Lesson in obedience (outline)

This is a big part in a D/s relationship or any relationship for that matter.

Frist thing you want your submissive to obey, first thing you need to do is train her.

No submissive is perfect not even a Dominant.

A submissive needs to learn to do things the way a dominant likes it done.

Good training stats with great rules.

You need to talk to your submissive and tell her what you expect out of her.

The Dominant needs to check the submissive.

If done well give the submissive award if not give the submissive a punishment.

Never wait to give a punishment always give when it's fresh in the submissive mind if not the submissive will not learn.

The submissive needs structure from the rules and punishments, just remember rules are not enough for a submissive being.

A submissive needs to be doing more then just good enough this is what makes a submissive thrive.

Have a talk about limits so you know what you can push and push the submissive limits on this will also help in good obedience.

Sometimes a submissive likes to be playful this is disobedience and plain out sloppy.

Both you the Dominant and the submissive need to communicate with each other, it's the only way a D/s will work.

Lashing out and getting angry is not being a good submissive at all or a good Dominant. if you keep doing that to each other you may not be a good match or you have issues you need to work out.

Pay attention learn each other it's the only way it will work out.

If you can't do this you will be unhappy.

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Becoming a good Dominant

   Start with writing down your thoughts. I recommend a journal of some sort. Start writing down what you think of a good Dominance/submission is, now write down why you are looking into D/s. Then write down why you think you are or maybe are not suited to D/s.

   Next step do some research, Actual research, not just looking into some bondage and porn. D/s is not inherently about bondage or even sex. D/s is about the relationship between a Dominant and His submissive. bondage or sex maybe be a part of the D/s relationship in time, but do not start there, learning about the responsibilities of being a Dominant. One good way to learn about the responsibilities of being a Dominant is to see what submissive say about what they need and how their Dominant addresses those needs. Also read about what other Dominants have to say about being Dominant and what it means to them.

   Some say the submissive is always in charge, others say a Dominant is always in charge, when he has a submissive. Some say a Dominant is always a Dominant. Some say D/s is an integral part of their relationship and who they are. Still others will say it is just something they do for fun and not really a big deal.

   Next you write down about you start to determining where you are in the wide field of opinions a perspectives on D/s. Write about what you find in your research down your opinions about what you find. Do more research and writing. 

   When you think you have thing sorted out, then write your understandings of D/s changed. Do you think differently? What do you think about why you do or do not want to get  in D/s relationship? Write it all down.

   Read what you write then write again make your brain filter through all these thoughts and then organize these thoughts.

   Being a good Dominant is a serious task.

One of the most important things a Dominant should be is self aware, by which I mean a Dominant should know Himself, and know Himself well. That means thinking about who you are and how you came to be who you are. It means being honest and truthful with yourself as much has as possible.

   D/s will show you things about yourself you did not know before. D not be afraid of that. Embrace it. the more you learn about yourself, the more clearly you will be able to see not just what you want you need to do to improve yourself as a person and not just has a Dominant.

   Good leadership is understanding that a proper D/s relationship is not an unequal relationship. Your submissive will submit  to you and serve you. You as a Dominant will lead and serve your submissive. Dominant is the one in charge in a D/s relationship, but being in charge does not mean having everything your own way. Being in charge dose not mean neglecting the needs of the submissive.

   Your job as a Dominant is not to be a dictator. Your job as a Dominant is to be a leader. Will there be rules? Will you train your submissive? Will you sometimes punish your submissive? All things you need to ask yourself. But you do all of that merely to selfishly serve your whims, you will be engaging in abuse, not dominance. True  dominance and leadership is about elevating the submissive, raising her up, encouraging her, making her feel safe, being her strength when she feels weak, and helping her to become a better person. 

   You do not just set rules for your submissive to get her to do what you want, You set rules for your submissive to provide her with structure and stability. You train your submissive and, When necessary punish your submissive not from capriciousness or vindictiveness, but in patience and understanding so that she improves and learns and grows both as your submissive and as a person. As you help the submissive, you will become stronger and better and wiser, in other words, you will become a better person to.

   How do you know when rules are set? and How do you know what training she needs?

   As a Dominant, you need to know yourself, and you need to know the submissive. You will need to communicate with your submissive about D/s and about what she wants and needs and feels.. Your submissive wants to trust you. She wants you to know what she needs and desires. And she wants you to help her feel safe and secure. She  will tell you all the things you should know about her, so long as you pay attention to her.

   Listen to your submissive. Watch her. Watch her body language. Pay attention to not just what she says, but how she says it. She will tell you all you need to know if you pay attention.

   When you pay attention, and learn about her, she will reveal the most amazing things to you. What amazing things? I cannot say exactly. Every submissive is different. But you will see her strengths and her faults and her confidence and doubt, and her inner little girl, and her inner slut and everything in between. And she will teach you things about yourself that you never knew. And there will be joy and sadness and pleasure and pain, and ll the things that make life wonderful and worth living.

   Being a  Dominant is a heavy responsibility. it can be very difficult. But it amazing. You will find beauty and joy you have not yet imagined. It will shape you and mold you into a stronger, better person. It will astonish you and frighten you and please you and inspire you. And sometimes, If you get it just right, it will do all those things at once, and you will begin to know in that moment that true meaning of the word awesome.

Becoming a good Dominant is worth the effort., You will become better person. You become stronger and more mature. 

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Dom to sub love

About my thoughts on obedience

   Dominants if you want your submissive to obey you, you are going to have to train her. Training requires you to follow through.

   She will need training to learn to do things the way her Dominant desires, Good training starts with establishing rules. You need to talk with the submissive about what you expect from her.

     Example: Don't say "I expect you to clean up" Your and her idea of clean up may not be the same idea. Tell your submissive what you mean by clean up by clean up and establish rules for how that cleaning up is supposed to happen. So your submissive will know what you want.

   You should check on her work and let her know when she done a good job or bad job. If she done a good job say so, if she done bad job say so. If the work deserves a punishment the follow through soon has possible.

   Punishment waits to long then you allow separation of the punishment from the act of the mind of a submissive. Better to hand out the punishment swiftly, so your submissive closely associates disobedient and/or poor work with the punishment.

   If the punishment waits to long then your submissive will learn that she does not need to obey you. And you will lose control of your submissive. the submissive will grow restless and disrespectful.

   Inexperienced Dominants can find the follow through part difficult.

   Modern Western culture is to respect women. If you done the work before hand and talk to your submissive what the rules and the punishment for disobediences are then you have no reason to feel guilty about punishing your submissive. Not punishing the submissive for disobedience is the wrong thing to do.

   Remember that establishing rules and punishing when the rules are broken is part of serving the needs of your submissive. The submissive needs structure that the rules and the punishments will provide for her. The submissive will be unhappy probably in the immediate moment of the punishment, but the submissive will be happier overall when she has the structure.

   If you have not had that discussion with your submissive about what you expect and what punishments will be, then do so. Do not put it off. Follow through, Just having rules is not enough.

   Submissive also need to work on following through.

   When you are given a task by your Dominant, submissive you need to do more than perfunctory job. Being obedient is more than just going through the motions. You need to do more than just know the wording of the rules. You should strive to understand the rules and what required of you.

   This dose not mean you will get to understand the reason for all the rules, Some rules you will get simply because the Dominant says so. Understanding the rules does not mean always knowing the why of a rule. It does mean grasping what the rule means for your behavior.

     Example: If the rule to keep the kitchen clean, the you should know what it means to keep a clean kitchen. Have a conversation with your Dominant about all rules. So the rule keep the kitchen clean you will know what it means to keep it clean. Does a clean kitchen mean seasonal decorations or not? Does clean kitchen mean it must be clean before bed time?  Before the Dominant home from work? Cleaned when you, the submissive get home from work?

   Try understanding the importance of the rule to your Dominant. Your Dominant may like to cook, and so having a clean kitchen may be very important, he may not like to cook and may simply be expecting you to not be massy. Learn these things by talking with and getting to know your Dominant. You have an obligation to follow through with understanding these things as much has possible, but also in completing your obedience.

   Your obedience is not just completing a task by the letter of the rules. You should try to complete your task in the spirit of the rules. the rules are there for you and your Dominant. Your Dominant should be establishing rules to help you, and you should be serving Him by making sure you do your best to follow the rules. Even those rules that may not make a lot of sense to you.

   You may or should have had a discussion with your Dominant about your needs and your limits things you cannot or will not do. you have emotional needs and mental needs that your Dominant will be serving by His leadership, you have an obligation as well, to serve His emotional and mental needs.

   Playful disobedience should never, ever be excuse for being consistently sloppy in your work. That is not playful. That is lazy and willful disobedience, that will cause stress to your Dominant, And that is just a plain no-no for D/s relationship.

   Dominant and submissive your both have a responsibility to communicate with each other. Dominant if your submissive is continually doing something that displeases you, lashing out and being angry will not solve the problem. Talk to the submissive, find out the root of the problem. Submissive , if your Dominant is being being mean and/or neglectful, being neglectful, Being petulant and bitter is not the solution. Talk with your Dominant by talk with your Dominant, I do not mean first gossip about it with your friends. I mean go to your Dominant and tell Him you need to talk about the things that bother you.

   Both of you, Dominant and submissive , learn to listen. Pay attention, learn when they are unhappy. Listen to what they say and how they say it. I do not I repeat I do not make assumptions about what the other thinks or feels.

   Your homework have a talk with your Dominant or submissive about the rules, even if you had one before, do it again. It never hurts to have more discussions as you progress through your D/s relationship. IF you are not in D/s relationship, then write it in your journals about what rules mean to you and why you want to have them.


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About Domaninat and submissive relationship

   As a submissive you have know your limits, and what things interest you, and you need to communicate to your Dominant. you have to say when you enjoy something and when you don't. you need to let the Dominant know I they can push you harder. you have to let your Dominant I your upset. people cant reads minds Being a Dominant doesn't make you a mind reader.

   Real means involves dealing with people's real insecurities, awkwardness, and problems. The harder parts are what makes this so rewarding. Realty is it makes it even better than fantasy, because  of the difficulty, self growth and journey you take with the Dominant or submissive.

   Silent treatment the submissive calls it can be used has communication. Most Dominants are quiet and a lack o verbal it's natural for a Dominant.  

   Trust is important in any relationship, but in a D/s relationship the nature of the Dominant and the submissive relationship demands this. The submissive is turning over control to the Dominant. The submissive must be able to trust the Dominant for this to work. With out trust the submissive would not be able to submit, it would be only out of fear, this is not healthy mentally or emotionally.

Gorean is based of book it's not talking about a true Master/submissive relationship.

   Dominant must do for a healthy relationship is build trust, by respecting the limits in sex and in public situations or BDSM play. Trust is built in all the other ways the Dominant treats and interacts with the submissive. The Dominant speaks to the submissive, touches, looks, treats the submissive in public, speaks about the submissive to others, listens, acknowledges way makes feel and on and on. Build trust stronger the trust will be and better the relationship will be.

   The Dominant should be aware the submissive wants to trust, the submissive needs to trust. Sometimes the littlest thing the submissive will remembers as moment which proves to the submissive that can trust the Dominant. If you put forth the effort to build it. It's part of the beauty and wonder of a health relationship.

   The submissive will notice when the Dominant do things that the Dominant intends to/for the submissive. The submissive will sometimes notice when something the Dominant dose to help in away that the submissive did not intend. The submissive will notice words that reelect, that the Dominant listens to. The submissive is importin to the Dominant. The submissive will notice when you use a word that resonates with her even if you did not consciously choose reason to. The submissive will notice your idle stroking of her hair, her breasts, her arm or her leg it will comfort her even if your consciously thinking about it. These things will also build trust because it tells the submissive that the Dominant cares.

   When submissive believes and/or feels that she is safe with the Dominant then she will trust again. The Dominant should be consciously cultivating a sense of safety for the submissive. the submissive needs to feel safe in her submission. It's part of the drive to submit. The submissive wants and needs to feel the that safety. She needs to give someone that much trust. She needs to submit. So the Dominant needs to do His job, the trust and sense of safety will grow.

   The Dominant needs to be able to trust the submissive. The submissive needs to let the Dominant know that He can trust her to be obedient, to communicate with Him, to behave herself in a manner that reflects well on Him and to appreciate His efforts to learn about her care for her.

        Example is another Dominant comes up to you and wans sex but you ae collared and owned you would tell that Dominant that and then go and inform your Dominant of what happened. 

Trust goes both ways the submissive needs to be able to trust the Dominant and the Dominant needs to be able to trust the submissive.

   The submissive learns the Dominants likes a certain thing, and learns to do it without being told, this builds trust with the Dominant, And this dose not mean sexually. The submissive sees that the Dominant always gets a beer or glass of water after work. The submissive begins to make sure that the beer or water, or what ever the thing is prepared for Him without having to ask, That build trust. The Dominant proves he listened to the submissive and the submissive proves she listened to the Dominant.

   Dominant and submissive will be able to build a healthy relationship together.

   The tools for building trust is communication. The Dominant and submissive have to communicate. The Dominant does not always know what is bothering you. The submissive needs to tell the Dominant. The submissive does not always know what you want her to do, you need to talk to her.

   If the submissive feels she cannot speak of something because she is afraid of disappointing you. The Dominant needs to get the submissive to a place where she feels safe enough to say what she needs to say. Th Dominant feels he should not have to say a thing, He needs to get over that and say what needs to be said. What bothering the Dominant or the submissive only way to deal with it is to address it. The dominant and the submissive need to talk about it.

   The submissive do not lie to your Dominant. If a certain thing is a limit say so. If uncomfortable and you do not know why say so. Id you hold things back from your Dominant it is damaging the trust in the relationship. nd building yourself up for some real harm. Be honest always. Disappointed you might think your Dominant will be by what you say, He will be far more disappointed if you do not tell Him something that He needs to know.

   Something you want the submissive do and she not doing it, talk to the submissive. If there something wrong, do not just punish her all the time, find out why she keeps getting it wrong. Angry about something work it out. Make the submissive know that. Don't assume you submissive understands your moods, talk to the submissive. Be honest, your submissive wants to help you. Maybe that means leaving you alone, let her know the reason why. Don't put doubt in your submissive mind, eventually eat away at the her ability to trust you and to serve you. Within yourself, your submissive has need to trust you and to serve you, let her.

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Submissive communicating with Dominant's

80% communication is non-verbal submissive communication their intentions, attitudes and
desires with more than just words.
Submissive stands, sits, and kneels says
something to the Dominant, something about the submissive state of mind, tone of voice, a tilt of the head, posture, idle motion are all things of communication information about the submissive.

Dose a submissive think about these things?
No it would drive a submissive mind crazy.

Primary rule for a submissive in communication with a Dominant is RESPECT. If the submissive does NOT show the Dominant respect all the rules and protocols mean little to the submissive.

This dose not mean submissive can get away with disregarding the rules.

Following the rules is part of showing respect.

A submissive should strive and want to follow the rules.

Be polite

Be honest

Be sincere

When a submissive talking to a Dominant, the submissive attention should be focused on the Dominant.

Do not interrupt a Dominant.

A submissive is to learn.

A Dominant prefers to be addressed.

Pay attention who the Dominant tells you to address when talking to.

The submissive will make eye contact

Non-verbal communication there are ways to do so.

Kneeling.

Waiting at the Dominant feet.

Picking up a tool for discipline and bringing it to the Dominant.

Kissing the Dominant feet


Showing the Dominant respect dose mean hiding your hurt, pain, worries your feelings this is part of being a submissive.


©Dom to sub love

Places to find things on any of my list

Antique shop
Art store
Auto parts shop
Beauty supply
Cooking kitchen store
Dollar store
Fabric shop
Fishing tackle shop
Flea market
Garage sale
Grocery store
Hardware store
Knife shop
Leather shop
Marine supply
Medical supply
Mountain climbing store
Pet store
Pharmacy
Radio shack/electronic store
Shoe repair shop
Sporting goods store
Stationary store
Tack and farm supply store
Theatrical shop
Thrift shop
Toy store
Uniform shop

My list for insertables toys

Baster
Bottles
Candle
Enema accessories
Ginger
Hairbrush handle
High heel
Funnels
Magic markers
Pacifier
Peppermint candy
Screwdriver handle
Speculum
Vegetables/fruit/meats
Vibrators

My list for inserting body parts

Cantaloupe (women are not the only one to have fun with fruits and veggies)

Cardboard tube (with tacks pointing inwards)

Squash

Vice

Watermelon

Cucumber

Carrot

Ginger

My list for abrasion toys

Bottle brush
Brillo pad
Cheese grater
Cleaning brushes
Drumming brushes
Fish scaler
Hairbrush bristles
Horse hair
Meat tenderizer/pounder
Nail file
Sand paper
Wire brush
Zester

My list for tying/binding body parts

Ace bandage
Belt
Bungee cord
Chopsticks
Dental floss
Dog leash
Fishing line
Jump rope
Nylons/pantyhose
Phone cord
Rope
Rubber bands
Scarves
Saran wrap
Shoe laces
Ties
Thread
Vetwrap

My list for toys to attaching to the body parts

Alligator clips
Bamboo skewers
Canning lids
Chopsticks
Clamps
Clips
Clothespins
Dog collar
Dog leash
Forceps
Hair clips
Hose clamps
Mousetrap
Rubber bands
Snake bit kit
Tape
Tea ball strainer
Tongs
Vice grips

My list for poking or pricking toys

Acupuncture instruments
Bamboo skewers
Chocolate chipper
Corkscrew
Corn cob picks
Crab fork
Darts
Drummers brushes
Fondue forks
Hair clips
Knife
Metal skewers
Paper clip (opened up)
Pasta ladle
Pickle grabber
Seafood picks
Scalpel
Scissors
Stainless-steel cocktail picks
Tweezers
Tooth picks
Two pronged BBQ fork
Veterinarian or surgical syringe/needles
Wooden skewers

My list for spanking/inpact implements

Baseball bat (Nerf makes a great one)
Belt
Book
Bottom of shoe
Bread/cutting board
Canoe paddle
Cardboard tube
Cookie sheet
Drum sticks
Fishing rod
Fly swatter
Frying pan
Hairbrush (back side)
Hockey stick
Licorice whip
Liter bottle (capped and filled with water or dirt)
Paint stirrers
Phone cord
Plastic/metal food tray
Quarters in a sock or pillow case
Rolled newspaper
Rolling pin
Ruler
Shoe/slipper soles
Spatula
Venetian blind rod
Wet towel
Windshield wiper blades
Wooden dowel
Wooden spoon
Your hand
Xylophone mallet

My list for Sensation Toys

Back scratcher
Banjo picks
Bath sponges
Basting brush
Bunny fur
Credit card
Drumming brushes
Electric toothbrush
Feathers/Feather boa
Feather dusters
Garlic press
Herb mincer
Kitchen silverware
Ice cream scoop with lever
Ice cube
Kayak gloves
Kosh balls
Lace
Leather gloves
Lemon/lime/orange squeezer
Nut cracker
Paint brush
Pastry wheel
Pizza cutter
Pizza roller
Rubber thimble ( secretaries use these for turning pages)
Sleep mask
Stainless steel ball whisk
String of pearls
Tassels
Tracing wheel
Wire whip

BDSM garden

Torture plants

Stinging Nettles (Urtia Dioica) This plant can cause a painful ichy rash sometimes hold fluids

Red Hot poker (kniphofia) bears tall spikes

Golden shower


Healing plants

Witch Hazel (Hamamelis) can be use to slow inflammation

Arnica (Arnica Montana) helps with bruises

Woad (isatis Tinctoria) helps to stop bleeding


Other suggestions
Pyracantha
Lady's slipper
Cactus
Bamboo
Chillies (capsicum chinense cv)
Birch
Love-lies- bleeding (Amaranthus caudatus)

Inside BDSM lifestyle what it looks like

What it looks like inside the BDSM world. Sure there's protocols and rules and the basics but it comes down to what you see that I have outlined below. Every Dominant has a different way of doing things. That could be because different submissive has different needs but it still comes down to this.


No one should expect a submissive to wait on a Dominant to issue orders to them not in a relationship with them.

Until you give your gift of submission to a Dominant. No Dominant has the right to intimidate, force, demand or take away your freedom.

Until you have accepted a submissive, NO submissive has the right to try to manipulate, hound, demand, or take away your freedom.

Both must have trust and respect for each other, this is not one sided.

Neither should lie or hide things from each other, nor should either side accept it being done.

Submissive should expect to tell the Dominant what they would like if they feel a need is not being met. (Yes, yes done respectfully)

Submissive should expect to tell the Dominant their dreams, fantasies, what they think are their needs and what they think is missing. This might be done verbally or in a journal.

Submissive are allowed to express a need for tenderness, love and understanding when they feel the need.

Submissive should expect to be allowed to ask questions as long as done respectfully.

Submissive you have to believe the instructions/orders your Dominant gives you have been done with care. You should not constantly question your Dominant about instructions/orders. Clarifying questions are usually accepted when asked in a respectful manner.

Submissive should expect to bring up concerns they might have and expect the Dominant to listen and consider what they are saying. Yes this is to be done respectfully and yes the Dominant has the final word, but the submissive has to feel you gave it consideration and not a just because I say so response.

Both should we expect the other to make mistakes, one prays it is not one of endangerment.

A Dominant has the right stop play/scene at any time.

A submissive has the right to stop any play/scene at any time.

Dominant should never feel guilty for applying real punishment or for fulfilling their Dominant responsibilities.

Both should never be abusive to the other.

Submissive you have to believe the instructions/orders are given with thought and care and not just to see how far you will go or how many weird things you will do for them.

A submissive will always focus on pleasing the Dominant and hopes the Dominant will find it pleasing.

Submissive behavior at all times reflect directly upon their Dominant, so they are to act with good representation of their Dominant at all times.

The Dominant has final word in all matters or issues. The submissive must believe the Dominant has used their judgment and fairness in making the decision.

No submissive can release themselves from, collar or relationship without the Dominant prior approval and consent.

Submissive are expected to keep an open mind and try new things expanding their limits.

It is a submissive responsibility to figure out what pleases their Dominant.

Submissive are expected to be courteous and to assist other submissive whenever they can.

Submissive are never allowed to think they are better submissive than the other.

Submissive should be allowed to ask for help if they need

Submissive should be allowed to ask for attention rather than act up to get attention.

Submissive should be allowed to expect aftercare following any play/scene.

Submissive should expect to be reminded of their submission.